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my family is fucking cool


One day I will take a photo of my toes
And look at it years later, wrinkle my nose
They look like they should be stuffed in a can
Or cooking in a campfire frying pan.

It’s not the only thing that’s weird about me
So many changes come with a growing belly
There’s the obvious fact; my clothes don’t fit
And oh, frabjous day! My humongous tits

I am puffy everywhere; my fingers the most
And every painkiller is an improbable dose
I got carpal tunnel, that’s no fun
And swelling everywhere comes from the scorching sun

I can’t eat sushi, raw milk or caffeine
And still I’m gaining five pounds a week it seems
Bending over’s a challenge, so’s wiping my butt
My walk is a waddle, no longer a strut

When counting down weeks, days seem like years
And every minute a new stretchmark appears
I’m not complaining, Jah’s all I’m looking forward to
And on his birth day, my whole life will be like new!

Last weekend, Adam and I were in a car accident in Barstow, on the 247 by the Mojave desert. Because it was a Saturday and there were no body repair shops around, I had my car towed to Loma Linda, where my grandmother lives. We ended up sleeping in Loma Linda and getting both my blown tires fixed.

rescued my car from THIS

At around midnight (my grandmother sleeps at 9 p.m.) we stole what tasted like 50-year-old Moet from my grandma’s top shelf and drank it with orange juice (it was nasty). My grandmother told Adam to sleep in the den, and I got the guestroom. Before we left, she asked Adam to change a bunch of lightbulbs.

Today, my mom called my grandma from the Philippines to ask what she thought of Adam.

My grandma said, “Well, he’s gay.”

Mom replied, “What do you mean he’s gay?!?”

“He said so himself!” My grandma said indignantly. “He admitted it, right after he lost American Idol”

+++

Here is my new countdown.